What is Wrong with Just Being a Human with Some Flaws
Of course, there is nothing wrong with that. I am not an atheist too, meaning that I believe perfection only belongs to God. Also, I think perfectionism for human beings is just a defense mechanism for not being criticized by others. From what I saw in my real life, people who like to criticize others will be afraid to be criticized too. Sometimes, no, most of the time, not giving a single eff about everything is bliss too.
I wrote this to tell my story so that maybe, someday I can read back and realize that I can go through this phase of life.
When I was a teenager and young adult with low self-confidence, I often questioned in my head “Why am I like this? Why am I like that?”. I always see myself as a failure. I can’t accept myself. I always try to change for the sake of others but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. It’s so confusing, I want to be accepted by others but I can’t accept myself for doing that and I can’t accept myself for being who I am. Do you understand what I am talking about? No? Okay, me too. Sometimes, I can’t translate what I thought.
In a world where it is made for extroverts, I always thought that being an introvert is a nightmare. I thought that I want to have fun with a lot of people, but then I feel like I am being alienated every time I try to fit in. I always thought that having a lot of friends is cool, being famous is cool, having someone that calls you on the street is cool, I always like extroverts, they are so cool. I wish I could be like them. I am not an extreme introvert tho. I am an introvert and I can socialize but not with a large group of people. I do want to make friends with many people. I don’t hate people too. It’s just sometimes, I feel like, I met someone and I clicked right away like I like their vibe but also sometimes I met someone and I just don’t feel like we are in the same frequency. I think it’s not because they’re not a good person but yeah I think our energies just don’t match. And it’s so hard and exhausting to socialize when you feel like you don’t have the same energy waves as others.
Everything will get worse when you fall in love and someone you love doesn’t love you back. I always thought, “If I am prettier, sexier, smarter, funnier, etc. maybe he will like me back.” I don’t understand that actually there’s nothing wrong with being who I am. I wish I could tell my younger self that “You don’t have to be prettier, sexier, smarter, or whatsoever, to be liked back. It’s not your fault if someone doesn’t like you back.” However, this can be a good thing too, like you will change for the better even though it’s still for the sake of others instead of for the sake of your self-improvement.
I also hated my body so much. (Omg, I cried when I wrote this). I always thought I had the worst body. Even though, sometimes people compliment me for having a good body. It will not change your perception if you still can accept yourself from within. I had always been so insecure. I felt like I didn’t look good in everything that I wore. Changing clothes a million times every time I will go out, buying and wearing clothes that I don’t like so that I thought I will look pretty and good but still felt not good every day and regret why I bought these. I am trying to build my confidence but every time someone says something like “Wow, you look …, you will be prettier if you …” all the confidence that I built just crumbled and disappeared like it wasn’t even there. It will get worse because I also will start to talk negatively about my body too. And starting to zero again to build confidence is not that easy. Even up to now, I am still trying but I am better now, I can accept my body slowly but surely. I think all people are insecure because they tend to see others than see themselves also the beauty products copy makes it worse. I used to take the copywriting course, I thought I wanted to be a copywriter but then seeing the impacts of copy on people’s minds was like no thanks, I changed my mind.
Being a human also doesn’t have to be black or white. Like, human beings are complex. Normalize having and showing some traits. Normalize enjoying your existence and accepting your life as a human being. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel like we as human beings always expect others to be good which is considered normal then if someone is not like what we are expected, they are considered a freak or weirdo. We all just pretend to be normal so that we can be accepted. Why don’t we just accept that we are complex that doesn’t mean we are not normal. Why don’t we just accept ourselves to be who we want to be so that we can accept others for being who they are.
I think people think I am weird because I started to be myself, someone who’s complex and not just black or white. I know people sometimes misunderstand me I am like this but I am also like that like how can you be both. However, for the first time in my life I’ve never been more alive. Slowly, I started to accept myself, so I can accept others but it doesn’t mean that I am fully confident already, sometimes I still have some negative thoughts too and it kills me inside. I am still trying so hard not to feel and think this way but It is so hard.
I hope I can tell people that I am a complex human being but that doesn’t make me complicated and they should know that they are allowed to show and be a complex human being too. In fact, isn’t it more complicated to live as a black or white human being, like you can be free because you hesitate to just be yourself? To be a human with some flaws.